my laziness is not a problem

I’m the laziest motherfucker in the world. So what. I don’t give a shit. It’s not a title I worked for.

Of course they held a contest. Dudes came from far and wide to Muncie, Illinois to vie for the title. They brought empty potato chip bags, unpaid bills and eviction notices, little figurines they sculpted from accumulated bong resin—evidence of a life lazily led. All very impressive. Shit, they brought unfilled and incomplete tax return forms from the 80’s.

Me? I stayed home. So they were all, “Damn, now we know.”

That’s right, motherfuckers. Next time watch TV. There’s probably something on.

My gold medal’s probably still at the post office or UPS or some shit. If I won’t get off the couch to sign for it I sure as fuck won’t be dipping by to pick it up. What do y’all fuckers think I give? A shit?

If you think I ever took Sominex or Ambien, you’re a fucking lunatic. I can’t even write them fucking names without feeling like a nap. Fucking bears take a look at my midwinter form and wonder why they feel all antsy. Settle down, bitches! You’ll fucking strain something with all that hibernating and snoring and shit. Take it the fuck easy.

I never have to mess with condoms, either. My swimmers are all, “Whatever.”

This blog entry was supposed to be a full-length feature movie. With its own global distribution deal, Burger King cross-promo, inaction figures, the whole bit. Think I give a shit? You’re insane. You’re lucky I even punctuated this motherfucker.

You think I worry about being able to breathe inside of this cocoon of cobwebs? You have completely lost any semblance of any mind you barely ever had. Go for The World’s Craziest Insane Motherfucker title. You’re a fucking shoe-in. I breathe, if at all, about once every Wednesday. Fucking Germans hate me.

You’re probably going, “How will they know when you’re dead?” good question, fuckface. They won’t. My cells won't even scrape together the energy required to die, anyway. even if they did die, you think my cells would even bother to decompose? after going through the hassle of dying? They got better things to do. Like not one fucking thing.

Man, fuck this.

Naptime.