POW!

member how I warned you to watch out cuz my Shaolin Styles would be hittin you outta nowhere? Well at work tomorrow, instead of saying "I have no idea where this black eye came from," you can say "oh, this? America's Leading Blog(TM) was cold dropping the mackadocia shit from the Jersey Turnpike." and dude will be all, "Right? Ninja was rocking that iPhone on the way home from Thanksgiving." And you can ask, "Is that how come you got that ribeye where you normally gots just a eye?", and dude'll be all, "You know that's how I got clocked" (putting his emphasis on 'know').

Basically most everyone you respect's gonna have a FAT shiner tomorrow. Be a good time to boost your investments in the makeup sector. There'll be a run on concealer at Bergdorf's.

If you thought America's Leading Blog(TM) came to play you're out of your fucking mind. A straight up crazy idiot.

UP TO 50-PERCENT OFF OR MORE!

heard that on the radio today. on '98 Rock, Baltimore's home of (something or other).' maybe the 'home of folks who don't cotton to the meanin' of phrases like "up to".'

that's the Andy Rooniest shit America's Leading Blog™ hopes it says in the rest of America's Leading Blog™'s long life.

hope y'all bitches had a happy thanksgiving.

oh--that reminds me. also courtesy of 98 Rock, a radio commercial that began thus:

"Tired of giving thanks? Isn't it time someone gave YOU something for a change?"

the mind reels.

XOXO,

fedge

apparently not such a shit-hot country for young men, neither

apologies, addicted fan base, for the conspicuous absence. America's Leading Blog™ got sick as a volcano over the past two days, and those among you with powers of imagination require no more description than that.

as a result of the truth-telling, the real talk, and the handsomeness you've come to expect from America's Leading Blog™, i knew to expect assassination attempts. and i know, despite your grave concern that your leading source of news, information, and repartee could vanish in an instant, i know you have justifiable faith in my ability to elude all would-be assailants with a physical prowess equal to my deft wit. i can't argue with any of that. your logic is sound. however, as jaundiced as my view of my fellow man—present company excepted—has rightfully become, not even i could have imagined foes who would stoop to poisoning my thai take-out.

of all the pussy moves, right? what happened to bold (if doomed) cries of "en garde!" that challenged America's Leading Blog™ from across the ballroom? what about the throwing down of gauntlets? America's Leading Blog™ don't like to break dudes' arms in public, but when dudes dare doff white gloves to slap the face of America's Leading Blog™, America's Leading Blog™ can break dudes' arms with the best of them. (the original source, you'll readily accept, of the phrase "snap!" to describe instant one-upsmanship.)

but no.

poisoning my food. hiding.

as a result, henceforward, i have no choice but to force lesser blogs to taste my food first. as many food-borne illnesses take up to 6 hours to manifest, i'll have to send out advance teams of blogs to test, say, restaurant foods i might be in the mood to hit, then have those restaurants store the pre-tested menu items in a special tupperware with my name on it. one wouldn't have to ruin a given piece of tupperware for others by writing "America's Leading Blog™" directly on the tupperware in permanent marker; one could first apply a strip of masking tape to the tupperware, then write in marker onto the strip of tape. that way, if someone else needed to use the tupperware when America's Leading Blog™ temporarily had no use for it, they could claim the item—again, temporarily—with their own tape and marker. it's really no big deal.

as of now i am accepting suggestions/volunteers to enter into this food-tasting contract with America's Leading Blog™. if there's a nobler service to the online community one can perform, America's Leading Blog™ does not know of it.

as to my recently foiled assassin: you may reduce the body fluids of America's Leading Blog™ by a third, but you cannot silence America's Leading Blog™! bitch!

how rude of me

forgive me for having neglected the topic for so long—i know you've been wondering, and probably just didn't know how to ask.

and please know: i don't blame you for not knowing how to ask. blame your unmet curiosity on my rudeness, not your shyness!

at any rate: how did i get such huge muscles?

it's an excellent question (thank you for asking), and one whose answer i wish could help more people. sadly, unless god owes you a big favor, no amount of gym work will earn you what i come by naturally. of course you think i'm bullshitting—i can't blame you for that, either. what person in his right mind, to look at me, wouldn't assume i spend 8 to 10 hours a day in the gym? i only tell you out of concern for you: you will never look like this. not in a million hours with the iron; not with the most experienced olympic coaches. don't bother to try!

sure, trainers competing for your custom, looking out for themselves only, will tell you what you want desperately to believe. "you want even the veins on your muscles to have muscles? i can do that for you." they don't care about you. i do. it's the least i can do—care—in exchange for the admiration i have understandably grown accustomed to.

what it comes down to is, i hate to see a reader disappointed by results he has, through solid effort, every right to expect, but which will never materialize on any frame but mine. one thing i recommend to most people: rather than marinade in the self-hatred that washes over you at the sight of me, try simply to appreciate how beautiful i am. get to a positive space. adoration of me is not only natural and normal—it's healthy! negativity constricts the arteries and strains the blackening heart. enjoy my physical aspect—go ahead! i don't mind!—or basically you lose twice.

have a great weekend!

XOXO,

fedge

that new Spielberg/Lucas joint

don't say America's Leading Blog™ hasn't done anything for you lately. You can count on ALB™ to scour the web for the latest offspring of tinsletown and technology.

p.s.: MAXIMUM VOLUME YIELDS MAXIMUM RESULTS

breaking geography's oppressive shackles

a big day for America's Leading Blog™ and, by extension, for its lucky, ballooning readership. check it: America's Leading Blog™ used to blast into the unsuspecting (and frankly unprepared) world from 10th street exclusively. turns out one needn't root one's gift-giving to one computer anchored in one place. one can blog from pretty much anywhere in town. (i can, anyway—don't want to speak for everyone else.) so what i'm saying is, don't get too fucked up when all of a sudden the next lev shit comes flying at you from, say, warren street. or central park. America's Leading Blog™ might for example be getting its tourist on at The Met, and America's Leading Blog™ could cold drop some sweet cyber-science from The Met's own café. have you tried the daily soups they have there? they really are quite excellent. at The Met, America's Leading Blog™ expects to take in some of civilization's greater achievements. but a puréed zucchini soup with just a hint of cream, cumin, and fresh cilantro? did not see that shit coming. America's Leading Blog™ came to on the floor of the café looking up into a huddle of security guards and a chef with "lawsuit" furrowing his brow. "it's alright, yo--that soup just fucked me up is all. you make that shit with Dolly Parton sweat? it's TIGHT." and what's up, because they straight gave America's Leading Blog™ a coupon for a soup of my choice (even the same soup if i want) at some future date. considerably better than the time America's Leading Blog™ awoke in the men's room at grand central in a similar situation. mostly similar.

the point: America's Leading Blog™ is taking this shit back to the Shaolin, so don't be surprised when it hits you OUT OF NOWHERE.

oh, but what i meant to say in that last post was

"Don't worry." despite recent instances in America's Leading Blog™ of outright lying and of gross underestimation of time's relentless passage, you can rest assured America's Leading Blog™ will persist in being the best thing in your life. forever.* America's Leading Blog™ swears.*

*(you can believe these two assurances even though my last two assurances on the same subject [to wit: "Time," capital T, and "Honesty"] were sub-reliable. "Return to trust" is the motto.)

okay, now

America's Leading Blog™ flat out lied. it wasn't any 17 minutes between those last 2 posts. it was a full fucking HOUR. time fucking FLIES when you're writing the best shit that has ever been written in any language, ever. (America's Leading Blog™ was going to say, "...since Shakespeare," but a) why perpetuate more lies? and b) false humility is gay. what's up.)

oh crap

America's Leading Blog™ has to apologize to The Loyal, as it's been, like, 17 minutes since America's Leading Blog™ posted something. file the error under 'aberrations,' and doubt not that quality standards have slipped. you can continue to expect the top-shelf gold you've come to get drunk on. it's not for no reason that America's Leading Blog™ is called America's Leading Blog™. and America's Leading Blog™ doesn't intend to call itself America's Second-Most Leading Blog™ or America's Formerly Leading Blog, Now On-The-Wane™ or America's Gay-Ass Blog™ any time soon. and you can put that in the bank. use it as a down payment on that sweet-ass mansion you've had your eye on. America's Leading Blog™ don't give a fuck, holmes.

this image is interesting because...

a) dudes aren't supposed to date grandmas.
b) it made you admit you're gay.
c) "Oh, ho-ho ho-ho, tenderness has no place in true norwegian black metal, ho-ho, what an amusing juxtaposition."
d) the camera's tendency to add 15 pounds is concentrated exclusively in the gentleman's head.
e) white people crazy.

Yaaw, big stretch....

if you thought America's Leading Blog™ was opposed to a refreshing afternoon nap, you probably also daydream about getting tea-bagged by Andre the Giant. that's a totally stupid daydream. you could die.

this egg sandwich

that's not, like, the opening to a joke. "So this egg sandwich walks into a bar—" that's not how America's Leading Blog™, with a readership already numbering in the several dozens, rolls. no, the subject line refers to this egg sandwich i'm eating right now. and let me fucking tell you something, right here and now: if you didn't think you could get a great breakfast egg sandwich in Brooklyn, New York, fuck you for even thinking that. right in your face.
this sandwich is fucking everybody up so bad. right now the woman behind me, to whom i will be forwarding a link to this passage mere minutes from now, is wondering, "where does holmes get these fucking sandwiches? i hate him so much for always managing to procure sandwiches that, if they didn't hang around in the deli, would basically take up space on all the mountaintops. even in nepal." all i have to do is look over at this chick, and i can tell: the olfactory signature of this sandwich draws her nose closer and closer to her keyboard—soon she'll be fast asleep with a giant smile on her face, so completely has this egg sandwich fucked with her mind. you wouldn't last two rounds with this sandwich. shit, you're so out of shape you wouldn't last two rounds shadowboxing. in the ring you'd take one look at this fucker and collapse in its shadow. you'd be all "Cut me, Mick!" before it threw even one punch. you have no idea.
and did you imagine, for even one second, that America's Leading Blog™ would roll up onto the deli man and be all, "may i have an egg sandwich please?" if you thought that i can tell you right now: you're in the wrong fucking blog. go read about Mandy's weekend and "OMG, OMG, OMG, his wiener was SO TINY, ROTFL!!!!" if you thought that's how ALB™ orders an egg sandwich, she's probably talking about your wiener.
no.
this egg sandwich—and i don't expect you'll be able to follow this—this egg sandwich features the following, standard:
2 fried eggs
melted american cheese
and
(you're so fucking not ready for this it's not even funny)
A DOUBLE ORDER OF GRILLED SALAMI.
all on a soft, white Kaiser roll, the way Der Kaiser would have wanted it, had his sycophantic assistants not been too fucking scared to order such an egg sandwich.
best feature of this sandwich?
its standard ingredients are of a quality so generally beyond reach, so gold, that they obviate the need for ketchup. but guess what? if you thought America's Leading Blog™ did not put ketchup on this egg sandwich anyway, YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.
like any rational person would be, America's Leading Blog™ was naturally concerned that the extrusion of ketchup on a sandwich requiring no ketchup would create a quantum singularity, possibly swallowing all of Brooklyn, if not the entire eastern seaboard, into the unsated stomach of a black hole, beyond which event horizon there is no life nor TV. but then ALB™ was all, "what the fuck? am i gay? this sandwich is of a mass, girth, and quality, to outwit any embryonic black hole that wants to get wise."
America's Leading Blog ™ apologized to the egg sandwich.

why is america all up on my nuts?

your guess is as good as mine. but America's Leading Blog™, which from the outset i straight up should have called "America's Most Beloved Media Source Ever™," is blowing up. in case you missed it (a couple posts back), one writer has already rushed to say: "it's caught the public eye with it's niched sense of style and finger-on-the-pulse mentality." if that's not gushing, i've never seen the intro to "The Beverly Hillbillies." what's up.

you know what's great?

besides America's Leading Blog™ (sale pending)?

this: http://www.vbs.tv/player.php?bctid=1119242704&bccl=MTExOTE3NDYwNF9fTkVXUw==

just let it ride. episodes 1 thru 9 will play one after the other.

do it. you'll be the opposite of sorry you did.

all my love,

fedge

seriously

did you see that fucking bacon post? just two posts below this one? it's gene. check it out.

XO,

fedge

not to be rash

but i have to face the very real possibility that America's Leading Blog™ has already acheived the momentum to consider serious buy-out offers. to quote one source: "it's caught the public eye with it's niched sense of style and finger-on-the-pulse mentality." do not worry: i will not subject you, the fan base i've built over the last post (and edit of that post—plus one comment), to a watered-down version of America's Leading Blog™. no way. it would be idiotic, and unfair, to let slide the reputation for quality i've labored to establish. (do i LOOK like i have a target painted on my own foot with an arrow pointed at the bullseye saying "SHOOT HERE!" to the gat dangling loosely from MY OWN right hand?) plus, if there's one thing i've learned about the internet, it's that i can continue to play an influential if token role in sold-off intellectual properties from a remote location. so stand by.

(what am i saying? of course you're standing by. and don't think America's Leading Blog™ doesn't appreciate its loiterers!)

BFF,

fedge (ALB™)

the all-time greatest thing ever, of all time, ever

i've struggled, worthy devotee, to imagine the best way to kick off America's Leading Blog™, and no amount of scraping the brain pan could have yielded a better entry than the photo you see before you. it's the ad for High Life that never ran; the crowning achievement of civilization not viewable in the Louvre; the wind beneath my wings. if the scrawler responsible for this masterclass would identify him or herself, i'm certain the laws governing defacement of property would be suspended long enough to hand him/her the golden key to our cities and an access all-areas pass to Fort Knox. America, like America's Leading Blog™, will adore you, sir or madam, in proportion to your talents.

XOXO,

BFF,

fedge

p.s.: fucker even spelled 'receive' right. with no auto-spellcheck. you know how hard that is?