that's not, like, the opening to a joke. "So this egg sandwich walks into a bar—" that's not how America's Leading Blog™, with a readership already numbering in the several dozens, rolls. no, the subject line refers to this egg sandwich i'm eating right now. and let me fucking tell you something, right here and now: if you didn't think you could get a great breakfast egg sandwich in Brooklyn, New York, fuck you for even thinking that. right in your face.
this sandwich is fucking everybody up so bad. right now the woman behind me, to whom i will be forwarding a link to this passage mere minutes from now, is wondering, "where does holmes get these fucking sandwiches? i hate him so much for always managing to procure sandwiches that, if they didn't hang around in the deli, would basically take up space on all the mountaintops. even in nepal." all i have to do is look over at this chick, and i can tell: the olfactory signature of this sandwich draws her nose closer and closer to her keyboard—soon she'll be fast asleep with a giant smile on her face, so completely has this egg sandwich fucked with her mind. you wouldn't last two rounds with this sandwich. shit, you're so out of shape you wouldn't last two rounds shadowboxing. in the ring you'd take one look at this fucker and collapse in its shadow. you'd be all "Cut me, Mick!" before it threw even one punch. you have no idea.
and did you imagine, for even one second, that America's Leading Blog™ would roll up onto the deli man and be all, "may i have an egg sandwich please?" if you thought that i can tell you right now: you're in the wrong fucking blog. go read about Mandy's weekend and "OMG, OMG, OMG, his wiener was SO TINY, ROTFL!!!!" if you thought that's how ALB™ orders an egg sandwich, she's probably talking about your wiener.
no.
this egg sandwich—and i don't expect you'll be able to follow this—this egg sandwich features the following, standard:
2 fried eggs
melted american cheese
and
(you're so fucking not ready for this it's not even funny)
A DOUBLE ORDER OF GRILLED SALAMI.
all on a soft, white Kaiser roll, the way Der Kaiser would have wanted it, had his sycophantic assistants not been too fucking scared to order such an egg sandwich.
best feature of this sandwich?
its standard ingredients are of a quality so generally beyond reach, so gold, that they obviate the need for ketchup. but guess what? if you thought America's Leading Blog™ did not put ketchup on this egg sandwich anyway, YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.
like any rational person would be, America's Leading Blog™ was naturally concerned that the extrusion of ketchup on a sandwich requiring no ketchup would create a quantum singularity, possibly swallowing all of Brooklyn, if not the entire eastern seaboard, into the unsated stomach of a black hole, beyond which event horizon there is no life nor TV. but then ALB™ was all, "what the fuck? am i gay? this sandwich is of a mass, girth, and quality, to outwit any embryonic black hole that wants to get wise."
America's Leading Blog ™ apologized to the egg sandwich.
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8 comments:
i'm fucking crying . . .
This is what makes America's Leading Blog so great. We're not talking about just any old egg sandwich (like the one I had this morning). We're talking about this egg sandwich. Big diff.
I must disagree with “Marcopolo.” I take this entry as broad statement in reference to all egg and cheeses. Not only does the egg/cheese (+ salami x 2) Mr. Fetch consumed this morning deserve the prop ups it was given but we ALL must take the time to throw some respect toward our own egg and cheeses. Our egg and cheeses are undoubtedly saying, “What have you done for me lately?”
What have you done?
Because in all honesty, if you could eat an egg & cheese (or perhaps the E&C’s Mexican friend - the breakfast burrito) every morning barring heart attack, clogged artery, 8-hour air farts, or the stink ass, we’d all be there. Every morning. The deli. The dream.
Kudos Fetch.
dear sirs:
my name is heinrich zaipehnblasah. my law firm, zeiphenblasah & khrugshtein represents the worship-a-tree foundation of berkeley, california. this notice is to inform you that you have illegally displayed part of both worship-a-tree's name and registered trademark (a tree) in your initial posting. let this be your first and final advisement to cease and desist. please remove the photograph from your blog, and do not post any further likenesses of worship-a-tree's registered trademarks in the future. if you fail to do so, i can assure you that worship-a-tree, my firm and i will become serious roadblocks on your highway to acquisition payday.
sincerely,
heinrich zeiphenblasah, esq
zeiphenblasah & khrughstein partners
oi, Andy, it's not Fetch. It's Fedge. Mr. Fedge.
Lou Dobbs says ALB is the next Google.
America's Leading Blog™ doesn't tend to overlap with the worldview of Lou Dobbs. perfect example: when Lou Dobbs stood after hours in front of his CNN fax machine, swaying suspiciously, pants around his ankles, and told America's Leading Blog™, "I can fax my junk to China," America's Leading Blog flat-out disagreed. (it was only America's Leading Blog™'s desire not to visit the emergency room at 3 a.m. that prevented America's Leading Blog™ from standing idly by while Lou learned a valuable lesson in human limits.) but if Lou called ALB™ "the next Google," he was partly right. ALB™ is the next Google, Myspace, Facebook, LinkedIn, and errolmorris.com combined.
thanks for the post.
XOXO,
fedge
Send a Salami to your boy in the Army.
I’ll see that and raise you a single egg Pork Roll® with queso de americano (border patrol for cheese) on a scooped out sesame with Ketchup - also called the NJ banger or the Taylor Tit - destined to bring it like freshly dipped chrome. But it not’s looking for a street tussle - uh uh, no sir - this is for the f*ckers. High school leg-shooting style. Pop that bra with an index and thumb and it’s credits. Don’t be ashamed you spun out though, button up and go at her again tomorrow. That’s the beauty of first meal, it’s coming round the bend in twenty four.
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