apparently not such a shit-hot country for young men, neither

apologies, addicted fan base, for the conspicuous absence. America's Leading Blog™ got sick as a volcano over the past two days, and those among you with powers of imagination require no more description than that.

as a result of the truth-telling, the real talk, and the handsomeness you've come to expect from America's Leading Blog™, i knew to expect assassination attempts. and i know, despite your grave concern that your leading source of news, information, and repartee could vanish in an instant, i know you have justifiable faith in my ability to elude all would-be assailants with a physical prowess equal to my deft wit. i can't argue with any of that. your logic is sound. however, as jaundiced as my view of my fellow man—present company excepted—has rightfully become, not even i could have imagined foes who would stoop to poisoning my thai take-out.

of all the pussy moves, right? what happened to bold (if doomed) cries of "en garde!" that challenged America's Leading Blog™ from across the ballroom? what about the throwing down of gauntlets? America's Leading Blog™ don't like to break dudes' arms in public, but when dudes dare doff white gloves to slap the face of America's Leading Blog™, America's Leading Blog™ can break dudes' arms with the best of them. (the original source, you'll readily accept, of the phrase "snap!" to describe instant one-upsmanship.)

but no.

poisoning my food. hiding.

as a result, henceforward, i have no choice but to force lesser blogs to taste my food first. as many food-borne illnesses take up to 6 hours to manifest, i'll have to send out advance teams of blogs to test, say, restaurant foods i might be in the mood to hit, then have those restaurants store the pre-tested menu items in a special tupperware with my name on it. one wouldn't have to ruin a given piece of tupperware for others by writing "America's Leading Blog™" directly on the tupperware in permanent marker; one could first apply a strip of masking tape to the tupperware, then write in marker onto the strip of tape. that way, if someone else needed to use the tupperware when America's Leading Blog™ temporarily had no use for it, they could claim the item—again, temporarily—with their own tape and marker. it's really no big deal.

as of now i am accepting suggestions/volunteers to enter into this food-tasting contract with America's Leading Blog™. if there's a nobler service to the online community one can perform, America's Leading Blog™ does not know of it.

as to my recently foiled assassin: you may reduce the body fluids of America's Leading Blog™ by a third, but you cannot silence America's Leading Blog™! bitch!